Nonviolent communication is a (communication) method that boosts empathy in a conversation and was developed by clinical psychologist Marshall Rosenberg in the 1960s. It focuses on clarifying your perceptions, feelings, needs and requests – especially in a conflict situation (or after one). It’s often used in Couple Coaching or Team Coaching.

There are basically four steps to practice Nonviolent Communication:

1. Observation: Describe objectively what you are seeing, hearing or touching (similar to the event level of the Iceberg Method)
2. Feelings: Describe how this situation described above made you feel (e.g. “during that situation I felt insecure.”). This is the invitation to show vulnerability and connect with each other. Keep in mind: according to Rosenberg there are no negative or positive emotions just emotions that we feel when our needs are met or not met.
3. Needs: Describe what kind of need made you feel the way you feel (e.g. “during that situation I felt insecure because I needed time to think). From our systemic coaching experience this is quite often the hardest part for our coachees because we (as humans) somehow forgot what needs really are and confuse them with feelings. The Center for Nonviolent Communication has a needs inventory that clusters needs into 9 categories (sustenance, safety, love, understanding/empathy, creativity, recreation, sense of belonging, autonomy and meaning).
4. Requests: Offer a request to solve the conflict. It’s important to remember it’s a request and not a demand. A request is expressed in a positive, clear and concrete action manner and it allows a “no” from the other participant(s). If you receive a “no” following your request you could ask “what do you need?” to empathize with the other participant(s) and the blockers that prevent them from saying “yes”.